summer is just about over. it’s strange to think a just year ago i was in a totally different place with a totally different plan than what i have now. i was thinking about other things with my friends and family and my future. and idk i just had a totally different outlook. i felt so limited and helpless. but all that did a complete 180. im happier now. lifes a little less fucking crazy. i feel like my head is screwed on right. and the biggest thing? i think im more appreciative and accepting of change.
so, are things gonna change so much again this year? based on what ive learned, maybe its not so much scary as it is exhilarating. i want to go through things and live my little life and just kind of embrace the changes that the year brings. im glad im finally fucking psyched for the future and i cant wait to see what happens next..
i love my friends. all of em. some more than others. but if i like you enough to call you a friend you’re doing something right. a lot of people refer to me as their “best friend” and i dont even feel like we’re that close. im like wow ok. idk im too reliable. i help out everyone. i want everyone to be happy. i love a majority of the people in my life and im grateful for that. im not hateful in the slightest, but ive been through life with some people and i love them. i never want to offend anyone. like i have my number one person. but im a lot of peoples number one. its hard. its stressful more than anything because im the one they call for things. but idk. its nice. people need me.
another thing, i GET to have a lot of friends. like a lot of different friends from all over. and i honestly i have time for all that because i dont have a boyfriend. im never putting HIM above anyone else. ive never even had a real long relationship. i feel connections with certain people but i never know what to do to further that with a guy to like make something more of it. but im sure its like dandy and nice and oh we’re in love and everything. but also im willing to wait for that. i’ve never been in love. i’ve never told someone i love them. like realllyyy love lol. its never been a priority. i like doing MY thing. with MY life. and not answering to people or being tied to something or worrying willy nilly what he/she is going to think of what i do and how i am. im fucking nuts. im not a normal girl. or a normal person. i have no desire for anyones ultimate companionship. we can hang out. we can party. we can talk about life. we can be friends. we can fuck. we can go out or stay in. idk i dont give a fuck. but idk i dont feel like im ever going to get a real relationship or like “love” or whatever. im too chill and i dont expect anything from anyone. idk how to explain it, but i really don’t feel like im missing out. if anything, everyone with a boyfriend or who needs to be with that one person all the time is missing out on being awesome and living HIS OR HER life. especially now. we’re young we have time to kill! be your own person!!!! plenty of time. calm the hell down. you’ll realize you’re not alone and theres more people around you who care than you think. admittedly, sometimes yes, i do feel left out when everyones talking about this and that with their boyfriend. but ive been with some guys and gone on a few dates and all that like a normal person. ive had guy friends for as long as i can remember. at some point in life, yes i want something more. but right now idk. sounds like a lot of work and worry for something not very permanent at all. no one gets it, but everyones like damn you deserve one hell of a guy. i know i do. shit. i am a good person. i fuck up here and there but who doesnt. im nice as hell, generous, smart and funny, even kinda pretty on a good day lol.
still i cant help but wonder like why not me? why dont i get swept off my feet like a goddamn princess? whats wrong with me? but then like fuck it lifes good. i could be a lot worse off than i am. i just want to know one thing: how many guys will i need to befriend, fuck, fuck over, or get fucked over by, before i find one whos actually worth the bullshit, the losing friends, worth all my time, the annoyingness of having a boyfriend, the uncertainty, the fighting blah blah blah. i hear all my friends bitching, let alone, bitching to me, the most single girl on the planet. ive been told im a good person to talk to about shit like that. relationship shit. and for the life of me i will never fucking know why.
anyways its been a long, goooood ass night. happy saturday.